


I Loved You

by Glass_Oceans



Series: The Ficlet Collection [118]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 16:50:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16201661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glass_Oceans/pseuds/Glass_Oceans
Summary: Benarmie prompt - Armi has been trying for years to convince Ben, his oldest friend, to see a therapist. He finally agrees to go, only when he does, Armi starts fading away…





	I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Content notes: Major Character Death, MCD is not depicted in fic, guilt, angst, confessions, mention of car crash, therapy, moving on

“Ben…”

“No.”

“But Ben…”

“Leave it.”

“But if you-“

“I SAID ENOUGH!”

Ben looks up to see Rey watching him with a frown on her face, but she hasn’t flinched back at the sound of his raised voice. She’s the only one who doesn’t. As the silence stretches, her expression softens into something that more closely resembles pity, and Ben looks away, not wanting to see that expression on her face.

“We’re worried about you.”

“I know,” he says, voice quiet this time, staring at his feet.

“If…” Rey hesitates, but when Ben just sighs, she barrels on. “If you would just get out a bit more, come down to the gym with me again to spar… it’d be something.”

Ben lifts his head but doesn’t quite look at her. From the corner of his eye he can see Armitage lurking in the corridor outside the kitchen, one shoulder just visible where he’s leaning against the wall, listening, ready to offer support; now or when Rey leaves, whichever Ben prefers.

“Rey, it’s not that simple.”

“I know,” she says, adjusting the strap of her bag. “And that’s why I’m over here every week harassing you until you chase me out of here. ‘Cos at least then you’ll be running again!”

Ben snorted a laugh then, unable to stay angry with Rey. She smiled herself and stepped closer to hug him, grunting when Ben wrapped his arms around her and lifted her from the ground like he always did. When he put her down again, she kept her hands on his arms, trying to keep his attention.

“I’ll be back later on this week,” she said. “But you call me if you need anything. Even if it’s just to talk.”

“I know Rey,” he said with a sad smile, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She hugged him again briefly, leaving him to stand in the kitchen and listen to the door close behind her.

* ** *** ** *

“She’s right, you know,” Armitage said later from where he was curled at the opposite end of the sofa, a blue cushion held in his lap.

Ben felt his lip twitch upwards, but focused on the flashes and noise on the TV screen, his shoulders tense even with the controller held loosely on his lap. His concentration was broken when he felt a nudge against his side.

“Hey,” Armitage said, pressing his stocking toe into Ben’s leg again. “Hey, hey, are you listening to me?”

Ben swiped out, missing Armitage’s foot completely as he whipped it back, throwing his head back and laughing. Ben felt his lips curl up in a smile, even as he tried to be annoyed with his best friend.

“No,” Ben said, trying to keep his tone light, “didn’t hear a word you said.”

“Do I have to poke you again?” Armitage asked, holding one foot out threateningly. His own controller lay untouched between them on the couch, he preferred to watch Ben play most days, and Ben, to be honest, was fed up of being soundly beaten.

“Only if you want to lose the foot,” Ben said, his grin growing wider.

Armitage snorted.

“Like you’d even be fast enough.”

“I won’t miss a second time.”

“Like you’re about to miss your appointment?”

The colour drained from Ben’s face as he looked up at the clock on the wall. He cursed as he surged up from the couch, throwing the controller behind him, narrowly missing Armitage from the sound of his complaint and grabbing his jacket and rucksack.

“Turn off the console when you’re done, yeah?” he called as he pulled the door open.

“Run Forrest!” Armitage called out, the end of the quote cut off as Ben slammed the door shut.

* ** *** ** *

“So how’ve you been feeling this week, Ben?”

Nuala, Dr. Rose, crossed her hands in her lap as she waited for Ben’s answer. Ben sat opposite her in the middle of a floral couch, soles of his feet pressed together, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. He shrugged in answer to her question.

“Have you been getting out?”

“Not really,” Ben muttered. “Rey has been coming around.”

“It’s not that,” Ben started, trailing off as he stared into the distance.

Nuala cocked her head as she waited for Ben to find his words.

“I’m just comfortable at home,” Ben said, shoulders dropping. “I have everything I need there, and I have company.”

“Rey stays with you?”

“No, not Rey.”

“It’s… someone else.”

“Is this the someone else you have wish things could have been different with?”

“It’s not like that,” Ben replied with a scowl.

“But you had feelings for them?” Nuala pressed.

Ben hung his head, letting his hair fall over his face. A tear slowly made its way down Ben’s cheek, following the shape of his nose. Ben snuffled, swiping his sleeve across his face.

* ** *** ** *

Ben sank his hands into the basin still full of warm water and suds, willing the heat into his body. His dishes were done, drip drying on the counter. He still feels shaken from his last therapy session, like he’s standing on the edge of a cliff with a high wind at his back. Having psychical therapy the next day didn’t help much, his shoulder and side still aching from the workout he knows he needs to recover full motion. Behind him, the TV blares loud with the sound of an explosion, and he flinches.

“Are you going to be much longer?” he calls.

“As long as I like,” Armitage replies. “I like this one.”

“It’s all just car crashes and explosions,” Ben replies, pulling the plug and watching the water drain away. “How can you stand to watch it?” After what happened.

Armitage doesn’t answer, but Ben can imagine him sinking lower into the couch cushions, making himself comfortable.

“Fine,” Ben calls, drying his hands and throwing the towel down on the table. “Just turn off the TV when you’re done.”

A hand lifts and waves lazily, backlit by the colours on screen. Ben scoffs and heads to bed.

* ** *** ** *

“What’s it like, Ben, living on your own?”

“I wouldn’t know there’s people always there.”

“Like Rey?”

“She’s coming around more often now too.”

“Who else?”

“I’ve… a friend who’d always over”

“And why do you think he’s there?”

Ben feels frozen. To tell Nuala about Armi’s circumstances, the way his father treats him, feels like a betrayal, even if it is in confidence. It’s just not his story to tell.

“He likes me?”

“I’m sure he does,” Nuala says with a smile. “Have you ever told him that you liked him?”

Ben shakes his head, biting his lip as he does.

“Why don’t you do it now?”

Ben’s head snaps up, staring at his therapist with suspicion and concern.

“I… I’m not sure…” Ben says, hating how his voice is cracking.

“Do you feel guilty that you never told him?”

Ben nods, biting his lip hard as tears begin to fall from his eyes.

“Ben,” Nuala starts, and Ben sobs at hearing the gentleness in her voice. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault.”

Ben shakes his head, tears flying from his cheeks.

“I was driving,” Ben forces out, his voice high and tight.

“The other driver was drunk; there was nothing you could have done.”

“But-“

“No Ben, it wasn’t your fault.”

Ben sobs again, pressing his sleeve to his eyes as the tears come freely. He so desperately wants to believe her, but fights her words too, as if it were possible to turn back time, to reverse what happened.

“Tell me how you felt about him.”

“I loved him!” Ben bursts out; feeling like his whole being is cracked open and bleeding. “I wanted to tell him… but I was always too scared… and now…“ Ben stops, heaving desperate breaths that don’t seem to contain enough air. “Now it’s too late.”

Ben feels exhausted with this confession, confronting everything he didn’t want to admit too. The tears keep flowing, and he finds himself hoping irrationally that he can cry himself dry, crumbly to dust and be carried away on the breeze.

“Well done Ben,” he hears Nuala say. “It was very hard for you to come to terms with that.”

Ben reluctantly drags his head back up, pulled back to the present and self-conscious of his tear-blotched face. He has so many questions; what do I do now, how do I do this, how can I cope but he feels too tired to bring the words to his lips.

“You need to rest now,” she tells him, “and then we can deal with what comes next.”

* ** *** ** *

Ben holds tight to Rey’s hand as she walks slowly along beside him. They’re both aware that even with his injuries, he could stand a much faster pace, but Rey understands his reluctance, and is willing to go as slowly as it takes for him to get this done. It’s quiet here, the sun shining through leaves though it hasn’t obtained the full warmth of summer yet, and with every breath Rey can smell the perfume of the bouquet of red roses in Ben’s other hand.

When Ben stops, Rey follows his gaze, then hugs his arm tightly as she lets go of his arm. Freed, he steps forward and lays the bouquet down on the still fresh soil of the grave. He looks up, the black granite headstone carved with simple words: _Armitage Hux, 1994-2018_. Ben’s mouth twists on his behalf for a moment that his father couldn’t have put anything else there about him. But he has Ben to remember him at least.

“I loved you,” he says to the headstone. “I’m sorry I never told you.”

He stands for a few minutes looking down at the dozen roses, waiting for the breeze to dry the wetness in his eyes. He almost collapses with relief when Rey steps forward and takes his hand again, grateful for the warm touch of another person.

“Thank you,” he says as he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“Anytime,” she replies, hugging his arm again.

They begin the walk back to her car, brisker than the walk in to the graveyard and Rey drives him home. She offers to come in and order takeout, or call a few other people around, so Ben doesn’t have to be alone, but he smiles sadly and declines. Not tonight, just for tonight. Rey makes him pinkie promise that he’s not just going to lock himself away again, and he swears with a chuckle, leaving Rey to begin organising something small for the weekend. Something to look forward to, she says.

He watches her drive away, waving to her car, before he turns and goes into the complex, heading home. He turns the key, closing the door quietly, so as not to disturb the silence. The apartment is empty.


End file.
